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Rainbow Dash
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PostSubject: The Stranger   Tue Jul 26, 2011 10:40 pm

OK. So this is my first try at writing a fan-fic.
I'll just jump straight to it.
______________________________________________

Title : The Stranger

Tags : [Adventure] , [Normal]

Description :
A lonely wanderer has walked the planet for several years after he left his homeland.
Now he has stumbled into Equestria where he realizes that there is still many things in this world he don't know.
And he finally learns what kindness and friendship is.

Characters : [Twilight Sparkle] [Fluttershy] [Rainbow Dash] [Applejack] [OC]

Chapters : 2 of ??


The Stranger Part 1 : Welcome to Equestria.

The Stranger Part 2 : Oma's past.


Last edited by Rainbow Dash on Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Pinkie Pie
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PostSubject: Re: The Stranger   Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:16 am

You're off to a pretty good start here, especially considering that this is your first fanfic. I like the way you describe everything.

I do have one major criticism about the character of Oma. Consider this:

Oma is unusually fast and strong.
Oma is very quickly liked by everypony in Ponyville, even one that has every reason to hate him.
Oma has a dark and mysterious past.

All of these are classic characteristics of a stereotypical "Mary Sue." The second one makes even less sense considering that none of them have ever seen a human before. After all, they all freaked out over Zecora, and she was an equine. I wouldn't be too concerned if you only had one or two of these cliches, but three has me worried.

I really don't want to be this critical after reading only one chapter, but few things are more hated among fanfic readers than the "Mary Sue." I'm afraid people won't read past the first chapter because of it. I hope this doesn't discourage you, it's still better than anything that I could write.

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Rainbow Dash
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PostSubject: Re: The Stranger   Wed Jul 27, 2011 10:11 am

BlastingGravy wrote:

Oma is unusually fast and strong.
Oma is very quickly liked by everypony in Ponyville, even one that has every reason to hate him.
Oma has a dark and mysterious past.

1. His speed was a one time thing ( adrenalin rush). He's really not any faster than a human from our world.
--I changed this part a little so it makes more sense to what I just wrote--
Now he's just strong

2. Most of them are still skeptical towards him. But some thinks that because Fluttershy is brave enough to be with him, he's no danger. And the one that has reason to hate him learns of his past and his family (let's just leave it at that because of spoilers. :3). Even so, I do think that part went a little too fast.
--OK. I have changed the first approach part to make her seem a little more scared.

3. Yeah. I wanted him to go through the first chapter as a mystery. His past is revealed soon enough in chapter 2. All his actions will probably seem a little more logical then. His past is still dark though.



Thanks for telling me about this. I think I managed to make those things a little more logical in the story now. :3
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PostSubject: Re: The Stranger   Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:13 pm

I am relieved that you took my criticisms well, I had started to worry that I was coming across as too harsh. Did you update the link with the changes you have made? It doesn't appear so, and I would like to see them.

I can tell that you have plans for unfolding Oma's past over the course of the story, and despite being a tad cliche, that part doesn't bother me in the slightest. Some things are cliche for a good reason. I'm glad you didn't worry about making changes to it.

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PostSubject: Re: The Stranger   Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:01 pm

BlastingGravy wrote:
I am relieved that you took my criticisms well, I had started to worry that I was coming across as too harsh. Did you update the link with the changes you have made? It doesn't appear so, and I would like to see them.

Are you kidding? I like critics. How else am I going to learn to write better? :3
It takes much more than that to make me stop writing.

The link should be updated. It's not I changed though, But I think I did enough to make it more logical. The changes should be on page 1 and 7. Plus some basic word changes all over the document.
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PostSubject: Re: The Stranger   Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:46 pm

I'm not sure what you changed on page 1, but page 7 is much better now. In retrospect, you are right about Fluttershy's interaction with Oma making the other ponies more comfortable around him.

Can't wait to see what happens next!

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PostSubject: Re: The Stranger   Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:40 pm

Finally. Part 2 is up. It took a little longer than first expected. I've tried to focus more on getting better at drawing and programming. I also have another story I'm working on (not fan-fic). It's in Norwegian so don't ask.
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